Curtain Call
by inescapablesuffering
Summary: One day you stepped on a stage, put on a mask, and never took it off. / Misa centric fic in 2nd Person.


_**Curtain Call**_

 _(You are a mistake. You have always been a mistake. That's all you will ever be, and all you ever amount to. You'll never be loved, never be appreciated, and most importantly, you will_ always _be alone.)_

One day you stepped on a stage, put on a mask, and never took it off.

 _(You are a mistake. You have always been a mistake. That's all you will ever be, and all you ever amount to. You'll never be loved, never be appreciated, and most importantly, you will_ always _be alone.)_

You repeat it almost like a mantra, over and over again every night until it's all that is pounding in your brain with everyone you speak to. ( _You will always be alone.)_ And who is around to argue with it? Your cat? She ran away ages ago. Your parents? ( _That's a sensitive subject, shove it away until later and don't dare to think about it.)_

Okay, so you've been acting a bit crazy lately, but can anyone really blame you? You're so starved for attention that the moment you see any sign of affection you cling to it like a teenager to their laptop. So what if he doesn't love you back? He will someday, and that's all that matters, right?

Or not.

It's a beautiful story you have cooked up for yourself, it truly is. It's like the perfect fairy tale that's been burying deep down into your brain for ages and ages, and every step in your plan brings the vision closer and closer to fruition. There he is, Kira, the hero who saved you, sitting upon whatever his beautiful throne is made of. He's a genius, with the brains and beauty to save the world and rule it easily and wisely. The only problem is that he's missing something… _the Shinigami eyes._ His life is pitifully alone, it's falling apart, and his entire dreamscape is collapsing around him quicker than he can build it up again and everything would be completely fine and dandy and okay oh lord _if only he had the eyes!_ Then who should appear, but you? All of a sudden, out of the blue comes the most beautiful girl in the world, and she happens to have the eyes. He falls in love with you instantly, and suddenly you're Kira's right hand man.

You meet him, and though you're the celebrity, you're the one completely and entirely star struck. The rest of your life is spread out before you, and finally you have love and joy and a purpose ( _you'll never be alone again, I promise)._

Unfortunately, it's almost entirely a delusion.

In truth, Kira really did nothing for you. Your parents are already dead, and they are never coming back. ( _Sensitive subject, shove it away.)_ No, it's true, they aren't coming back. You can shove it aside, pretend it isn't real, and paste on the happy girl expression, but the truth still stands that you are _very_ messed up inside and a few murders for 'justice' here and there aren't going to make your parents rise from the dead and say they are proud of you. Kira didn't do shit for you.

Even more than that, Light Yagami doesn't need your help. He never did, and though your eyes have been convenient half the trouble he's in was caused by you in the first place. If you had been killed in that alleyway his life would have been better _and you know it inside._

 _(You are a mistake. You have always been a mistake. That's all you will ever be, and all you ever amount to. You'll never be loved, never be appreciated, and most importantly, you will_ always _be alone.)_

So you meet up with your hero, and you enjoy his empty kisses and you sleep with him and try not to think about how you have to whisper the sweet names of your victims over and over in his ear in the dark hours of the night before he can even begin to get hard. You make him coffee that he never drinks, and you watch him fall apart inside, and you close your eyes tight and try not to compare how you thought your life would be to how it is now.

You've been afraid more times than you can count, so when L took you and starved you and tied you up and _destroyed you_ you were able to get through it without breaking because you knew that in the end Light might love you for it.

Your entire existence is one giant lie to yourself, and you cannot even admit that you've made a mistake in everything you've believed in.

So Light yells, and Light breaks things, and Light tells you that you're worthless

you're worthless

you're worthless

and he tells you that only a monster would love you ( _was Rem a monster?)_ and you know that if you just try a little harder try a little harder ( _try a little harder)_ all the pieces will fall into place, and suddenly the rest of your life will all make sense.

Eventually Light always calms down, and he rests your head on his lap and he strokes your hair and he says _I'm sorry_ and _you're the only girl for me_ and _you have the most beautiful eyes in the entire world_ and _you know how much I need you_ and once or twice even the words you spend each day craving, _I love you._

You know that the greatest act of love anyone has ever shown to you was a sacrifice, and you know it wasn't done by Light and you know that it was done to protect you ( _even from him_ ) and you will always remember it ( _hopefully)_ but you know in your heart she would be disappointed to see what's become of you. She died for your happiness, but you're not happy at all. You haven't been happy since the day you came home to see your parent's bodies strewn all over your kitchen floor.

You're reaching and reaching and reaching for something you can never grasp, and it's time for you to let go.

All you want is validation, but sweetie you might as well not exist. You have so many fans, so why doesn't anyone love you?

Your prince is cheating on you, you get drunk on the weekends, and the last thing your mother ever said to you was _'can you stop and pick up milk on the way home?'_

You've failed at being Kira, you're failing as an actress, you've failed at getting your fiancé to love you, ( _you've even failed at loving yourself)._

You love him when he doesn't deserve it. You adore his little failures. You stare at him for hours even when he won't even glance at you back, and you whisper at night _'you are still the best thing to ever happen to me'_ knowing that you were the worst thing to happen to him..

You wish you didn't know half the things you've learned over the years, and you think in your heart _maybe Fitzgerald was right when he said the best thing a girl can be is a beautiful little fool_ as you pretend you've never even heard Gatsby's name.

You wish they wouldn't all treat you like an idiot just because you aren't a genius. You try to make smart decisions, and try to give them what they want, and try to think up fun solutions and deductions, but when you do it, it just seems silly.

You gave up your heart and soul and mind and body for love, and a chance to change the world, but in the end you didn't change a thing.

Light's not home and you know exactly where he is and why and you know that he's saying to her what he's always said to you. You tell yourself over and over again that he's using her and you're his only one and _she's_ just some dumb whore but _you're his_ goddess and you try not to think about all of the ways that she's better than you.

 _She's_ a reporter and _she's_ on the news but you're a model and at least _you_ never had to sleep your way to the top. You say that, and immediately feel stupid and silly and small but you pout and put on a big girl face and wish you could take it all back. She's not worth your time. She'll go down in smoke one day and perhaps realize she's not as hot as she thinks she is.

You pick up the notebook that changed your life, and you slowly run your fingers over the smooth cool pages savoring every last detail as you whisper over and over again _paper is for creation paper is for creation paper is for creation paper is for creation paper is for creation paper is for creation_ and you write down name after name after name perfectly spaced on the little white pages, blowing on the ink to help it dry as you turn the page for more, trying to think about anything except for how fucked up your life has become.

You think _here are forty-five new names I can whisper to Light tonight_ and try to think about his warm hands glossing over every single part of you as you shove down your insecurities and paste on the fake mask you've been wearing since the day your life fell apart.

Then, though you promised yourself you would _always always always always_ remember, you forget.

You can't remember how you and Light met but you remember that you love him and you remember that he's gone, killed by Kira perhaps, but he's gone. You remember that he was good, and you remember that he was just, and you remember that he worked hard all of the time, and you know that no matter where he went or what happened to him he did not deserve his fate, just as you won't deserve yours.

You forget, and you are alone, and you will always been alone.

 _It's over._

* * *

 **A/N: Second person only works if you do it right, and I never do it right, but I really enjoy trying anyways so enjoy this mess I guess.**

 **I just really love Misa Amane and so sometimes I stay up past midnight writing to get inside her head and then I forget about it for a few months.**


End file.
